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Revenants (short story)
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While traveling the lands of Pandaria, a monk saw me mercilessly butchering nearby animals. It was necessary for me to kill, or else I’d go into a killing frenzy. When the monk heard this, he said whether I could learn to achieve inner peace by meditating, saving me from doing such massacres this often.
After a week of learning, I parted ways with the monk, and to put such teachings to the practice, I stuck my runeblade in the ground, and proceeded to delve in my mind’s depths, to control my killing desires. However, an interesting idea came to my mind. Revenants were filling my mind for some reason. My past as a shaman when I lived gave me the clue. Since my “rebirth” if such a word should be adequate, I no longer heard the elements speak to me, and I felt alone.
The Revenants that I found on Northrend years ago were quite the interesting beings. They were elementals, similar to those that gave me their help years ago, but they were also undead, and reacted in a similar fashion to the Holy Light as we do. It might be the link to regain the powers I missed. However, I would have to first get one to speak to me.
I spoke to different shamans, and most, especially the younger ones, dismissed my idea as madness and told me to leave immediately. However, after a few days I met a shaman from the Earthen Ring. It was a broken draenei, and he told me he understood my suffering. After all, his people had lost their connection to the Holy Light.
He recommended me to travel to the elemental plane of Deepholm, and learn to speak Kalimag. I knew the basics of that tongue, but I still didn’t know more than a few words, not enough to fully express myself. While on the elemental plane of earth, I knew that had I remained a shaman, I would adore this place, and probably never leave it. I found a little earth elemental playing around, and I told him, in my orcish tongue: “Please, teach me to speak Kalimag. I desire to find a way to reconnect myself to the elements.”
The elemental smiled, and stretched his arm. I understood. I had to give something in place, and I said: “I shall return with something to please you.” For one thousand gold, a goblin told me the elementals in this plane appreciated a special kind of crystal, and taught me how to harvest it. I brought some of this crystal to the little elemental, and he nodded cheerfully.
It took months for me to learn Kalimag properly, until one day the elemental said, in his tongue: “Now you are ready, friend. Go, and try to find what you can do.” Then, I got an idea. We death knights can channel the powers of frost, a power that reminded me of the days I’d imbue my weapon with that power and slow the enemy. Therefore, the most reasonable idea would be to try to establish contact with a frozen elemental first. I’ve heard that those inhabit east Dragonblight, over a frozen lake near the Wyrmrest Temple.
By the time I am writing this, I’ve finished crafting my totem, and imbuing it with unholy and frost powers. I left this paper to tell you that we, the ones that were once shamans, might be able to return to their old ways. I’m travelling to Northrend again through a goblin zeppelin, as Horde mages can’t make portals to Dalaran any longer. But remember that I, Marrosh, death knight of the Warsong Clan, shall not surrender in my attempts, even if my ghoul seems not to believe in these attempts.
As it was posted on teh internetz, I take the liberty to criticize.
* The concept was good. You obviously knew what you wanted to tell.
* The beginning was a bit sudden. This is better than an abrupt ending, but you should work a little on opening the story smoothly.
* Your sentences are often very long, which is no error in itself, but when writing long sentences, do be sparse with the commas, or it becomes confusing, because, a comma often imparts a slight pause. When proofreading, I often remove over 50% of them, regardless of whether I'm the writer or it's the work of a colleague (I work with a magazine.) An example:
After a week of learning, I parted ways with the monk, and to put such teachings to the practice, I stuck my runeblade in the ground, and proceeded to delve in my mind’s depths, to control my killing desires.
I would have suggested:
After a week of learning I parted ways with the monk. To put such teachings to the practice, I stuck my runeblade in the ground and proceeded to delve in my mind’s depths to control my killing desires.
* The 'I left this paper...' is a clever way to end. Makes you able to finish suddenly without it feeling really abrupt. Make it even better by adding something at the top, like the beginning of a letter, and a signature at the bottom.
* Synonyms to avoid repetition:
...shall not surrender in my attempts, even if my ghoul seems not to believe in these
Thesaurus is your friend!
Don't take a long list of indicated faults too hard. This never means it was bad. If it was, I probably would have said so directly.
these are of course my humble opinions.
Thanks, would you mind to give me any suggestion on my Orcs and Demons work? This was a side experiment for the concept I came upon randomly, thought to be interesting, and written.
After reading this, there was one thing that stuck out to me: You have lots and lots of commas. I would learn to leave them out entirely, or replace them with periods or semicolons. Remember: semicolons make you seem sophisticated.
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