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A Tale Of Two Spooks (Part 1)

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Post by 620690

This post was from a user who has deleted their account.

Post by 620690

This post was from a user who has deleted their account.

Post by 620690

This post was from a user who has deleted their account.

Post by 620690

This post was from a user who has deleted their account.

Post by lightnstuff

Well you've been missing.

I'll say this, as this is what caught my attention so far, when Grok'Thar is introduced, his dialogue is kinda missing action, at least relative to how excited he is. He's kinda just standing around shouting, and from the impression given I'd be expecting him to do more, though, that's all that grabbed me at the moment. I'll reread it again and see what I can nitpick, but I'm not coming up with any issues otherwise.

Post by Neonhyper

WELL HEY LOOK YOU POSTED SOMETHING.

and since you were all like 'zomg you didn't read my story' and I was all like 'yes I did' and well you were there so why am I saying this. ANYWAY. I somehow recall you actually telling me about this plotline but I digress.

Ahem before the critique--<333 your writing its great I missed it and you need to write more and all that stuff and what not and it's amazing.

Now onto the tearing apart.

First off the bat there's a couple of awkward formatting issues which is probably less a writing problem and more a word-copy-pastaing issue. Some of your paragraphs are stuck together and while that's not an issue (since the whole thing isn't a wall of text) it's something that I noticed.

Secondly, in the first segment with Tia there's a jarring break after she goes upstairs (supposedly in her underwear) and flops onto a bed... only to show up in the next paragraph standing up in full leather battle gear in front of her Commander. I had a brief 'what just happened' moment when reading over that.

Next, much like Light mentioned, Grok'thar shows up and really doesn't do anything when confronting Minil (besides getting yelled at a lot and talking back). He's just kind of there to throw banter, no real movement or anything, until he pulls out that mysterious paper of mysteriousness.

In the last section I applaud you on the chime-alarm idea, that actually somewhat caught me by surprise with the cleverness. I can't actually find much of anything that's glaringly obvious or sticks out to me about this part though, though I got a few laughs out of the dialogue.

So there you have it, your critique!

Post by HiVolt

I've only read some of this as of now, but I definitely plan to do a full review/edit.

So far, I have an important comment. When it comes to character description: less is more. When you describe a character too much, it reads as though you're trying too hard to guide the reader to your vision of the story, rather than letting them make their own.

Don't get me wrong, not all description is bad. Setting descriptions are critical to setting the mood, creating the atmosphere, and building the world. Those are the types of details you really need to focus on.

Generally, it's best to leave out any character descriptions that aren't absolutely necessary to either the story itself or the context of a certain part of the story.

Examples: Harry Potter's scar. The Baratheons' dark hair and the Lannisters' blonde hair. Giving a tidbit about armor color/style, hair color/style, eye color, etc. only during a moment where the characters might be describing those things themselves or the narrator would necessarily have to describe those things to the reader for them to fully understand the passage.

Alternately, if you really want to give a lot of description to a character, it's better to spread it out. Small descriptions that are few and far apart are much better than a huge list of adjectives spread over a few paragraphs. When done in that way, they're not nearly as overwhelming. They don't make the reader feel like the author is forcing a vision of this character onto him or her.

I'll keep reading and I'll give a full review/edit once I've finished.