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The Black Frost (Short story demo)
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Just suddenly got in the mood to write, so I figured i'd post a little something on here for all of you. Please give me some constructive criticism and point out any flaws I may make :D!
The woman in white guided me down the steps, squeezing my hand lightly and peering back to me with a smile. We got to the basement of my home before she turned around and faced me, "Vari... This is a big secret, are you sure you can handle it?" she asked me, I smiled to her and nodded, "I love you Vera, no secret of yours is too big for me" I stated quietly. I hadn't even the chance to change out of my armor after my most recent mercenary job. She giggled and swung open the door into my cold and dank basement... I had not been in here in months. I stepped into the substantially colder room as she shut the door behind me, "What am I looking for, dear?" I asked her quietly, I had an uneasy feeling about this... But she was my fiance, someone I could trust. She then stepped in front of me and motioned to the center of the floor, waving her hands as the ground began to glow with a bright purple light... I recognized the symbols, my sapphire eyes whipped up to her as my jaw dropped and hung. I stared at the love of my life in awe as she revealed to me that she was a worshiper of the Lich King.
I had no idea how to react... I tried to recollect myself as I watched in awe as the symbols did glow and pulsate with dark energy, "See what I can do? Varimire.... I love you so much, I want to save you from his wrath... Join the cult..." she whispered as she leaned in to kiss me. I took a step back and she peered up to me with suddenly pained eyes, "Vera, you are part of the Cult of the Damned?" I asked in disbelief. She would give me a slow nod as she peered into my eyes... She was a smart woman, she knew what I was thinking. Tears came to her eyes as my gaze shifted to hers, "V-Vera... This is blasphemy... You have seen what those people do!" I stated quickly, my voice escalating as to convey the pure urgency of this situation, though she remained calm as she spoke, "We can be together.. forever... A marriage that will pass the test of time... The Lich King can grant us immortality" she said as she raised her hands to cup my cheeks. I pushed her hands away with my own as I took another step back, "No... No, Vera. I cannot enter a marriage with someone who worships a monster... Not after all I have fought and seen." I stated with heavy words, tears came to my eyes as she hung her head, "Varimire, please!" she yelped as she grabbed my hand, "Nothing has changed! I am still Vera Winterhearth! I am still your love!" she spat out as she looked to me with begging eyes. Her eyes were once those I could stare into for hours, but now I could only look away as I pried her from me and turned my back to head towards the door, "No Vera... I will not tell anyone of this, but I cannot be wed to you...." I said rather harshly.
Azeroth stood still, time had seemed to stop as I stood still before moving towards the door, I wanted to leave this all behind me. Just with a snap of my fingers, I would call off a marriage that had been planned for nearly a year... With a flick of my wrists I would throw away something that was so precious to me, but how could I stay? How could I stay knowing that Vera would be reanimating dead bodies to serve a king who murdered his own father? Who has slaughtered countless innocents! I couldn't stay, I couldn't just marry her, I could-.... And then the world started once more. I roared in pain as I staggered forward, blood would seep down my back as I fell quickly to my knees... A dagger lodged into my back, I collapsed to the ground fully and with my nearly dead eyes I peered to my murderer, my former fiance would stare down to me with wide eyes as she whispered quietly, "No... Varimire... I will help you see the master. We will not seperate..." and then... My world would go black.
I have to say, I like this, though, one issue I had is that the bricks of text make it kinda hard to read. Try breaking it up whenever someone different speaks, it's a lot more spaced out and easier on the eyes.
I like it.
I agree with Lightnstuff. It should definitely be separated more. Do a hard line break each time someone new speaks.
Also, I felt that ellipses were overused.
Besides that, though, I liked it a lot. It's definitely a change from most fics that are posted.
Sounds like a great prologue for a good book.
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