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Monty Python Appreciation Society
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Post by
Haxzor
NIII !
Post by
mudfish
It.
Post by
Queggy
I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
Sir Bedevere:
What makes you think she's a witch?
Peasant 3:
Well, she turned me into a newt!
Sir Bedevere:
A newt?
Peasant 3:
... I got better.
Crowd:
Burn her anyway!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds:
Who goes there?
King Arthur:
It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds:
Pull the other one!
King Arthur:
I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds:
What? Ridden on a horse?
King Arthur:
Yes!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds:
You're using coconuts!
King Arthur:
What?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds:
You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
King Arthur:
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds:
Where'd you get the coconuts?
King Arthur:
We found them.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds:
Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
King Arthur:
What do you mean?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds:
Well, this is a temperate zone
King Arthur:
The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds:
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
King Arthur:
Not at all. They could be carried.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds:
What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
King Arthur:
It could grip it by the husk!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds:
It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
King Arthur:
Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds:
Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
King Arthur:
Please!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds:
Am I right?
King Arthur:
How does it... um... how does it work?
Sir Lancelot:
I know not, my liege.
King Arthur:
Consult the Book of Armaments.
Brother Maynard:
Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one.
Cleric:
And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu...
Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother...
Cleric:
And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.
Brother Maynard:
Amen.
All:
Amen.
King Arthur:
Right. One... two... five.
Galahad:
Three, sir.
King Arthur:
Three.
Sir Bedevere:
There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
Peasant 1:
Are there? Oh well, tell us.
Sir Bedevere:
Tell me. What do you do with witches?
Peasant 1:
Burn them.
Sir Bedevere:
And what do you burn, apart from witches?
Peasant 1:
More witches.
Peasant 2:
Wood.
Sir Bedevere:
Good. Now, why do witches burn?
Peasant 3:
...because they're made of... wood?
Sir Bedevere:
Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?
Peasant 1:
Build a bridge out of her.
Sir Bedevere:
But can you not also build bridges out of stone?
Peasant 1:
Oh yeah.
Sir Bedevere:
Does wood sink in water?
Peasant 1:
No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw her into the pond!
Sir Bedevere:
No, no. What else floats in water?
Peasant 1:
Bread.
Peasant 2:
Apples.
Peasant 3:
Very small rocks.
Peasant 1:
Cider.
Peasant 2:
Gravy.
Peasant 3:
Cherries.
Peasant 1:
Mud.
Peasant 2:
Churches.
Peasant 3:
Lead! Lead!
King Arthur:
A Duck.
Sir Bedevere:
...Exactly. So, logically...
Peasant 1:
If she weighed the same as a duck... she's made of wood.
Sir Bedevere:
And therefore...
Peasant 2:
...A witch!
Post by
Haxzor
It.
/cower
Post by
Toldry
*enters thread*
*appropriates*
*leaves thread*
Post by
Haxzor
I had never heard of this monty python till I got onto the randomness forum.
/shrug
You shall bring me... A SHRUBBERY!
Post by
336719
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Toldry
Vikey! What a lovely icon you have.
Post by
128491
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Slimda
Monty Python, the... something. Pure awesomeness. Should put their heads in a jar like in Futurama, so they can spend eternity conjuring humorous sketches for us all.
Post by
315859
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
225644
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
225644
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
mudfish
Now, let me direct you to the Ministry of Silly Walks, my good sir.
This way
;)
Post by
Morec0
Rogger the Shrubber: Ah what a sad time it is when ruffiens can walk around saying nii to old omen
Arthur: Who are you?
Rogger the Shrubber: My name is Rogger, and shubbery is my trade, therefore my title is Rogger the Shrubber
Sir Bedevere: Nii!
Arthur: NO!
Post by
135207
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
225644
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Sandos
He's not pining! He's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! This is a late parrot! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the perch he'd be pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisibile!
THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!
Post by
Lusky
Need moar Mel Brooks Appreciation Society..
Post by
225644
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
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