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QOTD Thread #332- Do you think that people should keep cats outdoors?
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Post by
ElhonnaDS
Wait- so you wouldn't count it as cheating if your girlfriend went out and got drunk and had sex?
Post by
134377
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
557473
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
b4xx
Wait- so you wouldn't count it as cheating if your girlfriend went out and got drunk and had sex?
Boron beat me to it.
For me, I don't really know. I think I would have to think it through, if such thing happened.
Post by
557473
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
HiVolt
I don't think it should automatically mean the end of the relationship the first time it happens; especially if that's the only time it happens. Things would need to be talked out afterward, so that both of us could understand why it happened and work on that.
I don't think that cheating is often done by people just looking for the thrill of having sex with people other than their spouses or significant others. I tend to think that it has much more to do with feelings of shame, inadequacy, failure, loss, depression, etc., simply because they most often try to hide what they've done. They may not know why they did it, but I think that's something the cheater and his/her partner need to try and work out. So that at least the cheater doesn't end up doing it again to someone else if it is indeed something to break up over.
And if after the talk, he or she does it again: then it's time to end things.
Post by
OverZealous
I think that if one part is cheating, there has to be some serious consideration of whether or not the relationship is actually working out as it should. It shouldn't necessarily end it, but if a situation occurs where one part feels a desire to have sex with someone else, there might be something wrong.
Post by
Squishalot
I find it's an issue of trust. I can't have a relationship with someone that I don't trust, and someone who cheats on me (alcohol to blame or not) isn't someone that I can trust. If my girlfriend goes and gets drunk after her exams next week and sleeps with someone while I'm half a world away, I'm not going to take drunkenness and loneliness as an excuse. But I know that's not what she's like, and I know I can trust her not to do that.
Post by
ElhonnaDS
I find it's an issue of trust. I can't have a relationship with someone that I don't trust, and someone who cheats on me (alcohol to blame or not) isn't someone that I can trust. If my girlfriend goes and gets drunk after her exams next week and sleeps with someone while I'm half a world away, I'm not going to take drunkenness and loneliness as an excuse. But I know that's not what she's like, and I know I can trust her not to do that.
Thank goodness- I thought I was the only one who fell on this side of the fence- lol.
I agree- I might still have some feelings for the person after something like this, but I wouldn't trust them, and trust is a very important part of a relationship. I don't necessarily think that loving someone is enough of a reason to be with them, if there are serious issues regarding things like trust, respect, etc. After all, many people in abusive relationships still love their abuser- that's part of the reason they stay. They're putting that love above their own well-being in terms of importance, and suffering because of it. I think that staying with someone who cheated would be essentially the same thing. I don't think loving someone is a reason to allow them to hurt you.
Post by
Squishalot
I was going to say that we're two of the few people in longer term committed relationships who have posted so far, but Rank's in our boat too. Yep, for me, it's all about trust, and respect too, you're right.
Actually, just on Rank's point about second chances - I believe in a zero tolerance policy after you've been warned. I don't think that a 'first strike is OK, don't do it again, you've learned your lesson' policy makes sense. If it was understandable the first time around, why is it not OK the second time around? If it's because a hard rule was drawn after the first strike, why isn't that rule there in place from the outset?
Post by
BlackMonarch
@Black Monarch
You do realize there's a "quote" function, right?
The question changes every day.
The title changes every day.
Ah, that explains it then.
I would have just made a new thread every day to keep things organized.
#206- Do you think infidelity automatically does, or should, end a relationship?
No, because of the simple fact that
to err is human
. Sexual exclusivity in particular is something that does not come naturally to humans, but is instead something that they artificially imposed upon themselves and each other. Thus, for someone to disregard this artificial restriction, while not necessarily morally acceptable, is understandable, and if the cheater confesses, it is forgivable.
Of course, those who do not bother imposing this restriction on themselves or others really don't have to worry about such silly things.
I'm curious, Boron- why do you think it's more forgivable the first time than the second?
I can't speak for Boron, but my take on cheating or really any other phenomenon is like this: once is an aberration. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a pattern.
drunken sex does not count
Well, it is cheating
/facepalm
Depends on the people involved, and the context. A hug? Guilty. A kiss? Guilty.
Hah. That reminds me of an episode of Darkwing Duck in which DW has gone completely nuts and is imposing the death penalty for all crimes, including jaywalking. The episode somewhat glossed over the fact that vigilante superheroes don't have legislative power like that, because Disney shows on weekday afternoons are serious business...
I must say, that if my wife confessed to sexual contact with another person (we're both bisexual) I would be deeply troubled. I would be hurt, and angry.
Why? If you're both bisexual, that sounds like the
best excuse ever
to have threesomes all the time. Just think of how many options this opens up for you!
Post by
OverZealous
I don't know, BlackMonarch, I love to see new people showing up in Off-topic given how dead it's been lately; but you seem almost hostile for no apparent reason. We
know
that there is a quote function - we're here every freaking day. Sometimes, it's easier or more convenient not to use the Quote function, for one reason or another.
But, as for the format. We use a single thread for QOTD because the forums would become very cluttered with a new thread every day, and the threads would end up in a weird order if someone came back after a week's vacation and wanted to answer 7 QOTD's after each other, and it would get really weird if someone jumped back and wanted to discuss things.
With the single-thread format, you can answer 20 questions in one post if you so desire, and you'll still be able to navigate fairly easily. Both have merits, but we (Elhonna) decided on this one a while ago - it's much too late to change now
^^
(##RESPBREAK##)8##DELIM##Sas148##DELIM##In addition to this, we want these questions in a single thread. Having that many threads for multiple subjects that are intentionally being added daily just doesn't make sense... as you already pointed out! :)
Post by
ElhonnaDS
Don't engage him OZ- it's not going to go anywhere productive. I can tell you haven't spent much time in General lately- lol.
Post by
OverZealous
Don't engage him OZ- it's not going to go anywhere productive. I can tell you haven't spent much time in General lately- lol.
Very true - I feel my knowledge is limited now that I don't play
^^
Post by
Rankkor
I was going to say that we're two of the few people in longer term committed relationships who have posted so far, but Rank's in our boat too. Yep, for me, it's all about trust, and respect too, you're right.
Actually, just on Rank's point about second chances - I believe in a zero tolerance policy after you've been warned. I don't think that a 'first strike is OK, don't do it again, you've learned your lesson' policy makes sense. If it was understandable the first time around, why is it not OK the second time around? If it's because a hard rule was drawn after the first strike, why isn't that rule there in place from the outset?
I dunno, it just feels like a waste to throw away several years of marriage. I'd like to clarify that my stance on this only counts for marriage. If your partner is already being a cheater before you marry, you can't really expect them to change after the marriage, so if its just during the dating part, yes, dump them.
On marriage....... It depends on some factors.
The main one is of course if after getting caught the partner is willing to change, if s/he is willing to end their "other" relationship and commit to yours, and if they're not, then end it. If they are willing to save the marriage, I do believe its worth the shot to give it a (single) second chance. Just one chance though, don't be a sucker and start handling out second chances like coupons.
As you said "zero tolerance after the first warning".
Post by
ElhonnaDS
I think that there are certain rules that exist without having to be said.
I personally hate it when I bring something into the house to eat, and it disappears before I have had any. Even if it takes a day or two for me to crack it open, I wouldn't have bought it if I didn't want any of it. But I consider that a non-obvious enough thing that I can understand having someone not realize that I was going to want it even if I didn't eat it right away, and so them doing it is something where I could reasonably expect them not to know I didn't appreciate it until after I told them.
I don't need to tell someone not to hit me, not to steal my money out of my wallet, not to sleep with my friend when we're in a relationship, not to vandalize my property, etc. Those are not things where a "warning" is telling them something new, that they might not be aware of, or that is a unique quirk of mine. They already knew everything about whether or not it was fair to me, would hurt me, was deceitful, or not the right thing to do. As far as I am concerned, things like that there's no room for a "warning" because no one is doing those things without realizing the consequences- they just are hoping they don't get caught, or that I won't have the backbone to stand up for myself or respect myself. And that is not someone I want to be with.
Post by
BlackMonarch
I love to see new people showing up in Off-topic given how dead it's been lately; but you seem almost hostile for no apparent reason.
"No apparent reason"? The reason is quite obvious: you guys don't pick up on sarcasm or humor very well, which makes trolling you ridiculously easy and fun. Especially Elhonna. She just can't resist feeding me...
Both have merits, but we (Elhonna) decided on this one a while ago - it's much too late to change now
Okay, that's good enough for me. In fact, it's the tl;dr version of the same reasoning that I use to explain why the current "conversion" to widescreen is a huge mistake.
Don't engage him OZ- it's not going to go anywhere productive.
Actually, I thought that OZ's reasoning was... you know what? Never mind.
I dunno, it just feels like a waste to throw away several years of marriage. I'd like to clarify that my stance on this only counts for marriage. If your partner is already being a cheater before you marry, you can't really expect them to change after the marriage, so if its just during the dating part, yes, dump them.
On marriage....... It depends on some factors.
Why does marriage change anything? My mom and stepdad were together for a quarter of a century and never got married. Britney Spears, by contrast, had a marriage that lasted 55 hours.(##RESPBREAK##)8##DELIM##Squishalot##DELIM##BlackMonarch, trolling is not welcome on these forums. You've been spoken to by moderators a number of times in the past. While we're on the topic of rules and warnings in today's QOTD, consider this your last warning.
Post by
Squishalot
@ Rank - Elhonna said it for me - there are certain rules that exist without having to be said. There is an implicit (and explicit, if it's come up in conversation before, which for me it has) that cheating is a dealbreaker. The warning is there already - it's not something that only comes up after the first cheating event.
Post by
Rankkor
I know El, I know, don't think I support infidelity because I don't.
I'm just saying this isn't a question easy to answer. My cousin Julio married this girl from Caracas, and while he was out in Nicaragua buying some new goods for his store (he owns a furniture store) she cheated on him.
Now, according to you, this would make her a completely untrustworthy woman, and he should had ended their 10 year marriage on the spot, but the thing is: She was the one who came clean to him, she felt guilty about it, she still had feelings for Julio, she broke off her hidden relation with the other guy, confessed the affair to her husband, and agreed to go to marriage counseling.
Their marriage survived, and while it took a while for Julio to trust in her again, she has stayed loyal to him to this day.
So its not really a case of "ok first strike you're ok, second strike you're out" its more of "if the cheater is willing to own up to their own responsability, and the cheated feels like they want to salvage the relationship, I'd say its worth a shot"
If one (or both) sides of the relationship no longer love each other, or aren't willing to save up the marriage, then yes, its best to just part ways.
Post by
BlackMonarch
My cousin Julio married this girl from Caracas, and while he was out in Nicaragua buying some new goods for his store (he owns a furniture store) she cheated on him.
Totally bogus story. We all know that only men cheat.(##RESPBREAK##)8##DELIM##Squishalot##DELIM##Just in case you didn't see the previous modbox - check your email.
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