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10.2.5
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10.2.6
Need constructive critizism (Background story)
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Post by
Terindes
Full Name:
Reichiru - Unknown surname
Nicknames:
Rei - none are allowed to call her that way, yet.
Date of Ressurection:
13th of July
Age:
21 When deceased
Race:
Undead
Gender:
Female
Hair:
Black straight hair,
Skin:
Rotten
Eyes:
Dark Red
Height:
176
Weight:
55kg
Place of residence:
The mountains south of Silverpine Forest
Place of Birth:
Unknown, Place of Ressurection: Mountains west of Western Plaugelands
Known Relatives:
None
Religion/Philosophy:
If it can hurt you, dont trust it.
Occupation:
Scribe and Historian
Enemies:
All who opose me
Likes:
Demons amd Jewelry
Favorite Foods:
Wolf Steak with Rotten Egg Sauce
Favorite Drinks:
Kungaloosh
Favorite Colors:
Fire Red
Weapons of Choice:
Dagger and Offhand (usually some kind of book)
Dislikes:
Sunshine, Nice Weather in general, and Extreem happyness
Hobbies:
Picking Flowers, Reading History Books,
Physical Features:
Jaw of a Dragon, No flesh around the Kneecaps and Elbows,
Special Abilities:
Speaking to Demon's
Positive Personality Traits:
Will help other people, If nessesary
Negative Personality Traits:
Doesnt trust other people until proven "friends"
Misc. Quirks:
Bad handwriting, Bad with names, and Evasive of people.
History:
Ressurected by an Unknown Necromancer high in the mountains east of Western Plaugelands, she was tossed aside because she was to weak in the eyes of the Necromancer, she lost faith in all people and became very evasive and untrusting, seeking friends in other groups, she learned the basics of black magic and Demonology, learning how to talk to Demons, and how to summon basic demons.
She headed towards Undercity The great capital city of the Forsaken, and Home of Lady Sylvanas, She went to see the Warlock trainer there. The warlock trainer Looked at the Young woman, and said, "Well there young lady, you are surprizingly good for a new member of the warlock family if you wish, I shall train you in the future" The young lady responded in an evasive way "I shall see you now and then, farewell" and she left in the distance,
While moving back to her home South of Silverpine Forest, she encountered an Elder Blood Elf, The Blood Elf was a powerful mage, and all the creatures in Silverpine stayed away from her, as her presence was heavily felt while standing near her, "Come closer" The Blood Elf Elder said I wont hurt you. When the Young woman came closer the Elder started to speak "You, you are Reichiru arent you" said the Elder in a rather Cheerful way, "uuhm Reichiru I dont know what your talking about Did you know me in my past Lifetime" "Yes, yes" Responded the Elder, "You Reichiru, You were my husband's most talented Student, You were a Gorgeous Blood Elf named Reichiru and you were learning the way of the Warlock from my Husband, That was quite a while ago" Reichiru replied "Humm, you must be lieing" "Do you think that it is a Coincidence that demons are attracted to you?" responded the elder. "If you knew me in my past lifetime, then you must know how i died?" asked Reichiru "Yes, yes" responded the elder, "but I dont know if I must tell you that, and If you are ready to Learn of the way you died" Reichiru said, "Please tell me" "Very well" responed the Elder, You were assasinated by a Blood elf Rogue in Service of King Varian Wrynn, He saw you as a Threat to his Son Anduin Wrynn who was King of the Humans at that time" Reichiru dropped down to the floor and started crying heavily, "My name is Onathe Darkbound, come see me sometime, Ill be roaming around azeroth seeking for true peace" said Onathe, She silently faded away Never to be seen again.
Thanks for looking through this, anything that is incorrect lorewise or anything else please tell me, dont mind my grammar, im Dutch so can't help it :P
Post by
282759
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
Skreeran
Alright, there's a few red flags coming up, but they don't seem to be too bad:
Name – It's a bit odd for a Forsaken to have a japanese (or at least japanese sounding) name. It could still work, of course, but it does set off a few little flags in my head.
Eyes – It's unusual to have eyes of two different colors, and it's become something of a cliché. Nothing big so far though. I've seen odd colored eyes done well before.
Physical features – What do you mean Jaw of a Dragon? Do you literally mean that she has physically replaced her jaw with that of a dragon? That will probably have to be scrapped, if so. It's unprecedented and it stands out in a poor way.
This passage: “Ressurected by an Unknown Necromancer high in the mountains east of Western Plaugelands, she was tossed aside because she was to weak in the eyes of the shaman...” I'm not sure what you mean here. You don't mean to imply that the necromancer is a shaman, do you?
Age – You say she was a Blood Elf warlock 50 years ago. There are two problems I see with this: a) Blood Elves were not around 50 years ago. The High Elves didn't turn to warlock magic until roughly 5 years ago, and that was when they became Blood Elves. b) She was dead for nearly 50 years? How does she have any flesh left? I would think that she'd just be a skeleton after that long due to natural decomposition.
Death – Neither Varian nor Anduin were born 50 years ago, and Anduin is Varian's son.
Anyway, that's about it. Certainly fixable.
Post by
Terindes
Please split that long paragraph into smaller parts, and utilise proper spelling and punctuation.
Anyway, your character has slight Mary Sue tendencies. She's "gorgeous", very mysterious, and people seem to have an attraction to her despite her sociopathy. She has an innate talent for demonoloy, which doesn't help. Otherwise, it's not bad.
About the gorgeous part, that was when she was still a blood elf,
and i dont get "She has an innate talent for demonoloy, which doesn't help." that part
Name – It's a bit odd for a Forsaken to have a japanese (or at least japanese sounding) name. It could still work, of course, but it does set off a few little flags in my head.
couldn't think of a name, will likely change when i think of a good one, 8 euros is peanuts :P
Eyes – It's unusual to have eyes of two different colors, and it's become something of a cliché. Nothing big so far though. I've seen odd colored eyes done well before.
Alright ill make it single colored
Physical features – What do you mean Jaw of a Dragon? Do you literally mean that she has physically replaced her jaw with that of a dragon? That will probably have to be scrapped, if so. It's unprecedented and it stands out in a poor way.
jaw of a dragon, well its really just a feature that you could choose ingame, its grey with small fangs, looked to me like a jaw of a dragon so yeah,.
This passage: “Ressurected by an Unknown Necromancer high in the mountains east of Western Plaugelands, she was tossed aside because she was to weak in the eyes of the shaman...” I'm not sure what you mean here. You don't mean to imply that the necromancer is a shaman, do you?
typo i changed first shaman to necromancer because I forgot bout Necromancer's changed it but forgot to change both
Age – You say she was a Blood Elf warlock 50 years ago. There are two problems I see with this: a) Blood Elves were not around 50 years ago. The High Elves didn't turn to warlock magic until roughly 5 years ago, and that was when they became Blood Elves. b) She was dead for nearly 50 years? How does she have any flesh left? I would think that she'd just be a skeleton after that long due to natural decomposition.
k, this helps, ill change the years ago thing so that that remains unknown,
Death – Neither Varian nor Anduin were born 50 years ago, and Anduin is Varian's son.
this can be fixxed with the other change about the unknown time of death
Post by
229054
This post was from a user who has deleted their account.
Post by
TheMediator
Age – You say she was a Blood Elf warlock 50 years ago. There are two problems I see with this: a) Blood Elves were not around 50 years ago. The High Elves didn't turn to warlock magic until roughly 5 years ago, and that was when they became Blood Elves. b) She was dead for nearly 50 years? How does she have any flesh left? I would think that she'd just be a skeleton after that long due to natural decomposition.
Death – Neither Varian nor Anduin were born 50 years ago, and Anduin is Varian's son.
Unless the story that character is being built for isn't in the present time.
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